The Blog with No Name

Christmas Break is just over a week away now. Far too soon will I be on a plane flying north into the darkness and cold. In some ways I am excited to be going back home. I want to see my little brother; I miss him a lot. Also, it wiill be good to see Micah and Dave. I have my DV camera now, so I’m sure we will have some fun with that. I’ll have something available to download those experiences. However, there are some things make me not want to go home. I don’t really want to leave Seattle and my friends down here. I think I will be very lonely up there sometimes. Also, I may have to get a job while I’m up there because of my sheer boredom — besides, just a little more money would be nice. Greed. There are some other things too that I’m not looking forward to, but I will hold those to myself.

And then this year will end and a new one will begin.

On another note, this Friday, a mere two days away, I will be going to what will be one of the greatest concerts I have ever gone to. This Friday, I will experience the power of P.O.D., Project 86, Dogwood, and LIVING SACRIFICE!!! I am so excited beyond words. I just hope I have enough energy to make it though the whole night.

How often do people really change? Through my experience, it is very rare that anybody changes in any real, permanent way. I am no exception either though I do attempt to be conscious of my failings and areas on in my life that need to be changed. I do not want to be a static individual. I want to be a person is changing for the good. But see? Even in writing this I feel I’m saying too much, so I’ll stop.

Thanksgiving weekend will be over in a matter of hours. We will be swtiching back to school mode, buckling down for the final two weeks of the quarter. Christmas is less than a month away. This quarter has gone by so fast, so terribly fast. It’s hard to imagine where all the time went. Where did it go? What changed? Sometimes it seems that the only difference between today and yesterday, September 22nd, is the night comes sooner. But that really isn’t true. Some important events have happened between then and now. I’ve learned some things; I’ve experienced new things. Though the quickness of the quarter smooths it all out; the landscape of my past three months is less of a disrupted land and more of a gently sloping hill.

And this time of my life is suppose to life-changing. A time of upheaval and reorientation. I don’t think I can say I’ve had much or any of that. So, now I’m wondering what is it going to be like for me ten years from now when I’m in a career with even less changing in my life. By then, I’m suppose to be settled, knowledgable. If my life now is like a smooth hill, then by my thirtieth birthday will my life be like a sheet of glass? Haha, I doubt it. I imagine the patter of little feet will cause enough disruption in my life to make it interesting. I hope so anyway. . .

Why do I have to be alone?

Thanksgiving is nearly here. I have much to be thankful for. I pray I live my life such that I am thankful always, taking nothing for granted. I pray my focus is not on material goods as it so often is, but focused on things more permanent, things that matter.

And from what I’ve seen, it all fades away.

This throbbing, pulsing mass is my life; it is my heart; it is my pain. Even though it is encaged in flesh and bone it is vulnerably exposed, yet it wants to be that way. It does not think nor learn. It only does and feels. It is out of my control. It acts and reacts not to my will, but to electricity and beauty. It is so separate from me, but without it I am dead in body and soul. All of its actions are an uncontrollable reflex. The source of stimuli is the source of control. Should I destroy my brain or gouge out my eyes?

“Sundripped devil, scratch out my eyes. Break the door down. Knock the door down. Angel, I can’t let you in.” -Dillinger Escape Plan, Destro’s Secret

Word of the day:
anhedonia: loss of zest for life.

Tip of the day:
Never get involved in a land war in Asia.